Here it is – Motherhood and life after the affair

Well done Maggie Wilde

My friend, a gorgeous divorced mum of two, has just left my home after our late lunch date.

I love her story and asked her if I could share it with you.

Seven years ago she went through the most acrimonious divorce.  The whole process took three years and they spent almost £60k in solicitors and barristers fees.  There were private investigators involved and all other types of ammunition loaded, aimed and fired.

She hated him and him her.  (He just wasn’t a good person and yes we did tell her and yes, she always responded with the song, “But I luuve him”)

And for the longest time after her divorce, she swore never, ever, ever, EVER to walk down the aisle or say the words “I do” ever again to anyone as long as she had breath left in her!

Today she’s engaged.  Wedding, summer 2013.

Sounds all lovely doesn’t it?  But to be honest, her soon-to-be-husband needs to win the “Most Tolerant Patient and Forgiving Man” of the year award.

My friend fought him all the way.

She didn’t believe anything he said to her regarding how he felt.

She didn’t make any efforts to meet up with him.  He had to trek down or up to wherever she was at the time so that he could spend a couple of hours with her.

It took between 6 – 10 calls before she would even agree to go for a coffee.

Never called him back.

For whatever reason, he kept going and finally won her over.

When I asked him why he put himself through all that, he just shrugged and said, “I knew two things all along.  One that I wanted to be with her and two that I was paying for someone else’s actions.  It wasn’t about me at all and I just needed to show her that.”

So yes, you can love again after a nightmare of a divorce.

And no, all men are not the same.

Very difficult on a parent who is left to do both or when due to whatever reason, you are playing both mummy and daddy.

Read it here: www.sciencecodex.com

Super for the children who can benefit from both parents care and attention.

More about parenting together separately

If so then here are some things you might want to consider:

• Have you uncovered, unveiled, unwrapped and looked, addressed and worked on the reason(s) why you broke up in the first place?  If this has been addressed, preferably with the help of a qualified marriage counsellor or psychotherapist, you might have also found out that there were several other things that led to break-up.  It’s rarely only ever the one thing.

• Do take it slow, especially where children are concerned.
  

• Know and accept what your role was in contributing to the break-up in the first place.  And er no, it wasn’t all her fault and no, it wasn’t all his fault.

•  Are getting back together because that is what you really, really, truly want or is it because you don’t want to be alone, for the sake of  the children (really bad idea) or for some other reason that has got nothing or that shouldn’t have anything to do with you and your ex?
  

• Can you actually, genuinely start again – and that means really begin afresh and not hold each other or yourself hostage to the past? To do this properly, you will need help from a counsellor or psychotherapist.  Don’t just sit down one day in a great restaurant, look into each other’s eyes and say “Shall we just forget about the past?”  “Yes.  I would love that!”  it takes a lot more work than that I’m afraid.  You cannot live in two places at the same time i.e. you cannot live today while holding on to the past.  If you can move on then do so fully.  If you cannot then move out and stay out?
  

• Sorry but don’t expect the children to be ecstatic about your decision.  They might be angry for what they were put through in the first place. And each time there is a disagreement, they will worry that it will end in another break-up.  So introduce the idea slowly and in stages.  You might be excited about it all but they will need plenty of time and reassurance.   Don’t make any promises such as “This time we shall stay together forever or we will never argue etc.”  That would just be bad.
  

• Ask yourself, “Is this really a new relationship, an sequel of the other one or the same one just dressed differently (and we all know we’ve got to get changed at some point)?”

• Is this what you want?  Really?  Is your gut instinct telling you this is the right thing to do?  If so then go for it, enjoy and all the best!

But seriously, would you really remarry your ex?  I would just love to know!

And not so seriously have you read the best divorce poem ever?

To this day, I still remember how I literally burst out laughing when I read it because it was sooooo true in my situation.

Enjoy me lovelies – you know what they say about laughter being the best medicine.

LOSS

The day he moved out was terrible –
That evening she went through hell.
His absence wasn’t a problem
But the corkscrew had gone as well

Wendy Cope

My good friend has been divorced for almost 7 years now but if you met her today, you would think it all happened Christmas 2011.  She does go on and on about her useless, lying, cheating ex-husband.

And she has her mantra “forgiving is forgetting and I will never forget what he did to me so I cannot forgive!” Not sure where she got that from but it really is her daily hymn.

“I will forgive but I will never forget” is another one of those phrases that people use all the time.

Thing is such a phrase as well as that by my friend are all about semantic, a play with words etc.  So you can say what you like but the big question is “Do you have emotional closure?”

And, no you don’t actually.  By not forgiving -

1. You have given over the power to not only create a new happy future but also to enjoy the here and now.  You have chosen to hold yourself hostage to your own past.  No one else is doing this to you but you.  Like some once said, “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”  Try it and see.
   
   
2. While you continue on your unforgiving route, you carry other emotions that can be so pervasive that they consume you.  To be unforgiving brings in anger and resentment, emotions that affect your heart and your mind.  I really shouldn’t be saying this but right now, the positives totally outweigh the negatives, but if you really want to “teach” your ex a lesson then forgive them.  Like Oscar Wilde said  “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”

In the meantime, my dear friend’s ex has remarried, has a new family and has moved to a new city.  As for my dear friend any man who comes her way – “Not interested.  They are all the same” she sings.

It is great.  I would add a couple more things but maybe that would have meant the song ends up being longer than necessary.

Loudon Wainwright – Your Mother and I

I have to say that I was pleased to see someone take such a stand.  I’m not sure if it will work or how it will work but if this campaign manages to save just a handful of marriages then it would probably have been worth Sir Coleridge’s time and effort.

However, what I have an issue with it the continuous stereotyping of “broken homes”.

I am twice divorced – actually my second one will be declared over tomorrow but one thing  I know is that my home(s) were “broken” way before I left.  And this is the case in many many  a home.  The split, the breakdown, the divorce has already happened long before the rest of us get to see it or are even aware of it.  The idiom “behind closed doors” comes to mind.

I didn’t stay because of the children, they actually were one of the main catalysts to my leaving.  I had to chose what type of environment I wanted them to be in and an unhappy, difficult and stressful one was not what I picked.

Like Dr Phil once said, “Don’t worry what they can hear, worry what they see.”  So you can pretend to be a civil as you want to one another but your actions will always speak louder than your words.  And you know just how observant children are.

Today, both my girls are doing brilliantly!  My eldest one is in University in California achieving her grade As and my younger one is doing well in primary school and loving it.

My exes and I get on well now.  It wasn’t always like this after the splits but it was a journey well worth going through.  One thing that we have always practiced is standing together when it comes to the children’s education and well being.

What I would say to Sir Coleridge is that a divorce doesn’t equate to a broken home but can indeed provide a functional environment where children who would have otherwise lived through years of stress and unhappiness, are now able to come home(s) to love, attention and care.

So if a conducive environment is what you are seeking for children and ultimately for the betterment of society then maybe an after-care program wouldn’t go astray in your foundation because divorces will always happen.

So, yes, I do like what Sir Coleridge is doing, especially because he is planning to help at whatever stage the issues arise because not everyone going through a divorce wants one, it just becomes the only solution that they think they have and if The Marriage Foundation can play a role in helping keep families from all backgrounds together as do so many other organisations then hurray to them.

Don’t forget that there is also relate that has been going for years.  Although my personal experience with them was not the most positive, I have heard other good things about them.  And marriagecare are there too plus loads of relationship counsellors and psychotherapists.

It’s a life situation that needs to be dealt with.

Don’t make it into a problem because once you do you identify with it.

It becomes you and you it.

See it for what it is – a life situation, not your life, but a situation that is being or needs to be dealt with.

It doesn’t last forever, unless you make it so.  This too shall pass, unless of course you are determined to hang on to it for dear life.

A toddler was playing with his father.  It was “rough” play, you know the type of being lifted and taken over the shoulder, down again and over the other shoulder and back down again and a round and around.  The toddler was squealing with laughter.  He was obviously having a great time with his dad.

Of course this couldn’t last for too long and when he wanted his dad to stop, instead of just saying stop, he looked at his dad and asked, “Daddy, can you be a mummy now?”

Even at this age, this child could see that mummy’s play was different from daddy’s.  He loved both types and needed each.

When you are going through your divorce the pain can make you say and do things that can be not conducive to your child’s development and general well-being.  There are lots of horror stories where children are put in between the slagging match and are told all sorts of nasty things about the other parent.

Well, unfortunately or fortunately there are two things to really, truly bear in mind.

Firstly that little child, is growing and what he cannot see today he will understand tomorrow and it will never be pretty if his memory is littered with things mummy said about daddy or vice versa.  What he cannot understand right now will dawn on him tomorrow and it is you that he will come after – whether you were right or wrong about your partner.

Secondly, and this is really directed to mums as we usually end up being the child’s main carer, your little child needs a relationship with his father.  That relationship is between the two of them.   Really.   Your child and his father have a right to their own relationship because children do need their daddies too.